I have thought over and over again that im gonna give up on everything because i can no longer take it. But then you look around you and you see people who truly care about you the most and you start to think ” would it be the right thing to do “

Every night before i go to bed i try to think about the good things that has happened in my life in the past and recently. There are things that goes through my mind that shouldn’t even cross my mind. 

I have thought about hurting myself to be honest over and over again lately, but when i look at my surroundings, i am surrounded by people who i really care about the most; the ones who matters in my life, the reason that i am here breathing today. There are just time where i think that i cant take it anymore and i bury myself and blame myself. If hurting myself means that i will end up hurting the ones i care about the most i might as well suffer till my time comes. 

I have a few people in my life that i can trust talking about what is really in my head but to be honest i dont them to worry about me, i want to be a burden. I want to see if i can really handle it on my own. I’m the type of person that no matter how hard things get as long as it only hurts me i am fine with it. 

There are times where i just don’t know what to do with my self. The only way to make people think everything is fine is to just put a smile on my face. But in all honesty, no matter how  happy things get my problems always seem to come back to me. I want to break down and just lash out at everything and everyone but i can’t find it in me. 

I make mistakes like everyone else does, i have something in mind that i want to do but i just can’t find the right time to do it. A big part of me can’t handle all the things that has been happening in my life but i am trying my HARDEST to suck it and fight through, i just don’t know if i am strong enough to deal with it. Only time will on when and how im gonn really deal with it, i might end up in a good way or in a bad way who knows but i do have a plan. Just gotta truly think about it.

SMH why do things gotta turn out like this, there’s never a day where everything just goes perfectly right.

IM HOPING THAT MY MIND WILL STRAIGHTEN OUT.

Sometimes i question myself if i actually have freedom or not cause honestly from what i have notice it seems like i have none.. All the decision i have made aren’t my own decision its other peoples decision. The fact that i respect those people i follow what they want me to do. Sometimes i feel like i don’t have my own mind… I’m about to be 21 years old for crying out loud and i still take orders from people.

Especially this one thing that i agreed on doing a while ago, i wanna back out of it cause my heart wont let me pretend. Every time i think about it i want to break down and cry cause i HONESTLY dont want to go through with it. But the fact that its what my mom wants me to do, i don’t know if im gonna have a way out of it. 

There are times where i plan on just running away somewhere just to get out of it but i have nowhere else to go. I’ve had other things in mind to get myself out of it and theres one obvious thing that i can do but its VERY hard for me to go through with it cause i know that if i DO go through with it theres gonna be a lot of people that are gonna get hurt and thats the last that i want to do. uggggh i dont konw i guess i just have to see what happens but i wanna just shoot myself in the fact because of this one that i supposedly have to do.FML

GOD please help me that this one thing that i have to do wont actually happen cause its hard for me to pretend especially in that type of matter.

What do you do when you try to start a small conversation and next thing you know they shove money down your throat? 

There’s nothing you can do especially when its done by someone who means the world to you. I just wanted to know what the cash was for, didn’t think it was gonna end up down my throat.

I know your not happy with what you have right now but that doesn’t mean you have to bring me down with you. I’ve sacrificed a few things for you. I stopped going to school so i can work and help you out cause i care a lot about you, I agreed to do something that i really shouldn’t be doing cause its what you think is a good thing to do, I’m going for a career cause its what YOU think is good for me even though its not something that i want to do. For someone my age i think thats a big amount of sacrifice.

I only want to make you proud but it seems like every time i get close to it, i somehow fail. You’ve said things to me that are very hurtful and it’s killing me inside, i don’t want to think bad about you but you make it so hard for me to do so.

One day i am going to make you proud no matter what thats is life goal 

Hercules, the son of Zeus 

I don’t know much about him but for some reason i find him very interesting. Few days ago i went to The Getty Villa with friends and i must say it was a good experience. I’ve never been to a museum before and being there gave me more appreciation to the ancient work of art. Hercules caught my eyes, i know him as this strong powerful man who is able to kill anything that basically comes his way, but honestly i pictured him as someone bigger but then again i just saw a statue and he couldve been much bigger than that. 

I’m actually a big fan of him, movie wise, too bad i didn’t learn a lot about him or maybe i did but i just forgot hmm… but as weird as it may sound i would like to find a guy that is somewhat like Hercules :) i mean common now who wouldn’t want to be with someone who is as strong and powerful as him ? :))

It’s times like this with friends where i feel the most at ease and myself. Sitting here with two of my best friends in front of the fire, which we put together, listening to Adele on Pandora is just the best feeling. I’m glad that we decided to do this cause it’s something different, we are so used to doing crazy things surrounding ourselves with loud music and loud people but not tonight!!! 

I wish every night was like this, no drama no trouble everything is just perfect! Oh how im gonna miss this when i leave :/ definitely can’t break a bond like this, i would be devastated if i lost them cause they mean a lot to me and i love them to death!!! 

KLAMS for life :)

The pimp in him didn’t die, it was just put aside for awhile …. PLEASE do yourself a favor, don’t use that line again.

I spent my day out in my backyard and i gotta say it has been very relaxing. I can feel the wind hitting my skin, quiet refreshing, birds flying across the sky and a hornet flying over my head… HORNET!?!?! I’m surprise i’m not running all over the place i hope it doesn’t come and attack me! 

I look over to my left and i see my dog just chillin and looking at the surroundings. It’s times like this where i wonder “what in the world are they thinking?” I would love to be inside a dogs head just for a while just to understand how they see things. Are they thinking about the same things as we do? i wonder sometimes if they have dreams and goals. I look into her eyes and i see a lot of love, the kind where wish i had with someone else hmm this is interesting….. DAMN! i was going somewhere with this but she ran away!!! 

I look up in the sky and all this questions starts to fill up my head, questions that i don’t think anyone can answer. One of a million questions that i do wish someone would answer for me is ” Why are we all still here? it’s been 2011 years..” To tell you the truth, i don’t even know if i wanna know the answer to that what if its something horrible. This is how i see it, GOD is testing the human race, he wants to know if we are worth his time and he wants to know if people can faithful to him… that’s all i have right now. I’m not saying i’m right in anyway but freedom of speech right? 

I myself try to look into my future and as sad as it may sound, i don’t see anything. I don’t know where i’m going to be and what i’m going to make out of myself, It’s a scary feeling… there are people out there that already see ten years ahead of them but i can’t. Maybe i’m just being over dramatic but it would be nice to at least know where i’m going to be in the next two years. 

Sirens!!! that’s all im hearing right this moment.. Firefighter? Ambulance? Cops? i’m not really sure. One thing that i am sure about though is that every time i hear it it FREAKS me out!!! … i go into that questions mode again what happend? who is involved? do i know them? is it that bad? i think i just have issues but i mean common now don’t tell me you don’t ask those same questions every time you hear sirens nearby….. I just hope who ever or what ever it is i hope its going to be okay.

Jumping into different subjects here, 

I wanna feel that type of love where i feel like i’m flying where i’m free where i’m complete. I though i had that before but i guess not. I wanna have a guy where i can be like ” yea he’s all mine and forever will be..” i’m sure it will happen one day and i can’t wait for that day to happen. Let me fall again and this time i wanna keep falling

Dear Diary…. yea right!!

it’s always been a problem of mine to just ignore the things thats bothering me. I’m horrible at expessing my true feelings but i don’t mind cause i don’t people to see me as the girl who always has problem on her shoulder. Every time i’m out i always have a smile on my face cause for me i feel like it’s easier that way but in reality i messed up! I smile when i really shouldn’t be cause it makes me believe that everything is a okay! but once reality sets in i lose myself and i don’t know what to do and sometimes don’t know how to deal with it. 

I am a sensitive person but no one sees it and i like it that way, i don’t wanna to be a burden to people and i just want them to see me happy at all times. I mean maybe one day i’ll get over it and i’ll fully open to how i’m really feeling… i would love to see that day. But right now!! its all gonna be smiles and giggle and i’m not gonna let anything bring me down HELL NO! not im this life time sweet heart. 

Some people about being an Astronaut, Scientist, even a President but me? i just wanna be the best i can be. I live a simple life and i dream a simple dream. I mean it would be nice to be one of those three but lets face it, with the rate that i’m going ? it’s not gonna happen.

Someone once told me to always be two steps ahead of every one… i don’t think so, i just wanna be me and that doesn’t include being two steps ahead of everyone. It’s nice i guess to be above people but i would much rather not cause that’s no fun. I wanna be even with the people i’m around.

Dreaming a simple dream is less of a headache for me, I’m not the type that plans things out i just go with the flow and so far I’m enjoying it. I have the people that i need in my life right now and i am blessed… NOTHING can beat the friends that i have right now, they are amazing and they mean the world to me. THE END.